Moron am I

I bought a new laptop. Had to get everything up and running on it. I spent weeks fretting over how to get back into this blog then when I finally figured it out… Google fucking WordPress, DUH! I couldn’t remember my password. Got it back by e-mail.

That’s what I get for being a tech challenged idiot. 

Wanna See What I Looked Like Three Days Before my Lap Band Surgery?

Too bad. I’m not ready to post those pics, yet. I want to get some more weight off and do a Before and X-Number of Pounds Down kinda thing. 


I am eating so much better, today. I was busy, didn’t have time to sit around and think about shoving shit into my maw. I had my coffee, a protein shake and then got to doing shit and didn’t eat until I was hangry and decided to have dinner. I had a few chunks of chicken and some Lean Cuisine cheese raviolis. It went down well and I am satisfied. Oh, I did eat a few small, skinny pretzel sticks while my food was in the micro. A very few. I controlled myself and feel better about myself, right now. 

I think that I need to get the medium Bye-Bye Under Eye from It… The light isn’t quite killing these dark circles. It is helping but I need a little more peach power to neutralize the purple/blue Marianas Trench under my eyes. I inherited my fair skin and dark circles from my Grandmother Amie. I inherited the allergies that exacerbate them from God Knows Who and my shit sleep patterns don’t help. One day, I am going to figure this out and look awake and refreshed. 

So, Husband got his parents moved into their new house. They needed to get out of that condo, FIL is deteriorating and the stairs were a danger to him. They are much happier and safer in their new house. 

Now, to find us a new house because this condo is driving me insane and I am over it. I hate sharing a wall, I hate having my next door neighbor’s cigarette smoke coming in through my fucking windows and we just need more space. We are falling over each other in this place and I am thisclose to torching this joint. 

Must. Find. A. Place.


Corgi cuteness! 



We want to get another dog, after we move. One day. Not right away but we miss having a dog. I am lobbying for a Corgi. Husband wants a Lab. Maybe we should just get one of each? 

Loreal, there is no such thing as repairing hair. Products can temporarily glue it and make it shiny but to get rid of damage, yes, you do have to cut it. Stop lying to the gullible public.

Well, a Little Better

After my aftercare appointment, I am doing a little better. Still need to work on portion size and timing my bites better but I got on the scale the other day and am down another three and that is encouraging me to work harder. 

“Weight loss surgery is the easy way out!” Bullshit. Clearly. I still have to work hard at this, every day. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes I am not. But my band definitely helps. 

Mothers Day is coming up. all of the ads, blog posts are tearing me apart. This is the first Mothers Day since I lost my mom and I am just trying to get past it. I tried to power through but I have to pull back. I can’t read blog posts about gift ideas and I avoid ads and articles. I just can’t, this year. We’ll see about next. Hopefully, I’ll handle it better. I am just allowing myself to check out of this one. 

I hate that fucking commercial where idiot parents walk into an AT&T store and shush the person working there and make her whisper because their stupid baby is asleep. Assholes, if your baby needs to sleep, take it home, put it in it’s crib and let it sleep. It is not the obligation of the entire fucking world to shush because your kid is napping. And, while I am on the subject of commercials, that website builder commercial where the little girls screams “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” No. Just no. Who wants to hear that?

Yes, I am a grouch. 

It is so lovely and warm, now. It’s supposed to get into the eighties, today. I need to get out and do a little shopping and I am going to wear some of the new clothes I treated myself to and maybe sandals, too. I did a pedi and painted my toenails with Zoya Arizona. I think I need to hit Beall’s Outlet and find a new wallet. Mine is old, getting grungy and I keep fucking up my nails trying to get cards out of it. I hate it. And some fun new costume jewelry sounds like just the ticket, too. Maybe some new shoes. I am tired of floppers and sneaks.

I have a hair appointment on the eighth. I am seriously considering having a funky colour woven into my tresses. I just can’t decide if I want pink or blue… I love blue so much but my instincts are to go pink. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll do both. 😀

Fuck! Sneezing jag. Thank you so much, husband unit. All of your fucking weed eating has stirred up pollen and dust from hell and… Bleargh! Allergy attack. My poor beak and eyes… 

I need to go blow my nose.I fucking hate pollen.

I need too learn how to insert text links in this WordPress blog and how to install social media buttons. 

I am trying to think of a new name for my beauty blog. I want to rebrand, buy a domain and move to self hosted WordPress. I already know who I am going to use to make the move, set up my new template and so on. I just need to think of a new name and that is proving to be the hardest part. 

I’m crazy for even contemplating this. I am so tech challenged. 

My keyboard sucks. This laptop sucks. 

How Not to Succeed With a Lap Band

Eat fucking sliders. Duh! Chips. Popcorn. Taco Bell Cantina Bowls. Long John Silver’s. (But it’s fish! Protein!) Ice cream. Gah! In the six weeks since I last had an aftercare. Six? Eight? I only lost two and three quarters pounds. That doesn’t include the two I had to re lose after gaining two fucking pounds because I was eating like an asshole. 

Yes, it is possible with a band. Don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t. 

Fuck me. I am so pissed but I am also more aware of what I was doing and how I was doing it. At my aftercare appointment last Monday I had a nice chat with my NP and she helped me get my head back in the game. My Lap Band is working fine, my fluid level is still holding me in my Green Zone but my brain was overriding the signals I wasn’t listening to and since I can’t put a band on my brain… Yeah. Shit got bad, stupid and real. 

I didn’t have more fluid put in my band. My NP said that if I wanted some, she could give me a sprinkle and I was briefly considering about a 1/4 cc push but I am really happy with my band where it is (I have 5 1/2 cc is a 10 cc band.) I have the right balance, satiety, good signalling (when I fucking listen, hitting my soft stop at the right portion size (again, when I listen) so there is no need to more fluid. Tighter doesn’t always mean better. My band will not work if I don’t work it. It is adjusted properly for me, I am the fuck up not my band. 

There is where a lot fo the “failure” rates with bands come from, you know. People who get out of the program, don’t do what they are supposed to do, fail and blame their bands, have them snatched out and go with a different procedure. In many instances (barring actual failure of the band, tubing or port, slipping or erosion) failure is entirely patient caused, not the fault of the band, it’s self. If you flame my ass on this point, do so respectfully, please. I am a big girl and wear those panties with aplomb but I won’t tolerate disrespect or nastiness. 😉

So, I am doing better. I am not perfect… I got into a nasty pattern with my eating and it is taking some time to get my head back into my band and get fully back on track but I am definitely doing MUCH better. My portion sizes are back down where they belong and I am eating slower, chewing better and taking smaller bites, again. Still with a few sliders, here and there but I am wirking hard on curbing them, as well and I am consuming a fuck ton less than I was. 

Progress not perfection. I am trying and I will get there.

I am loving this sunshine but this stupid wind and the lower temps? I can live without. Blech. 

I had more to say but I have other stuff to get done, right now so I will run along and come back and yammer more, later. 

Recovery From Food Fuckery

The two pounds I gained is gone. Good job, dumbass. I didn’t get a Lap Band to gain weight. *rolling my eyes* Protein shakes in the morning and actually watching my food, not indulging so much in the sliders (need to cut those little bastards OUT) works. Duh!

Yeah. As if I didn’t know that.

GM. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Shame on you is all I can say. You are in trouble and this is going to cost you BIG. And if you ask the taxpayers to bail you out when the shit hits the fan, nope. Tough titty, this time around, Fuck off and die. You got your second chance. You are blowing it. We shouldn’t have to pull you out of the quicksand, if you fall in, again. Fix your own shit, idiots.

Coffee is life.

Okay, enough of the chilly and windy. Balmy and breezy? Great. Chilly and windy? What the fuck?

Happy April. I don’t play April Fool’s jokes. I still don’t understand or appreciate them.

I also don’t understand or appreciate a world in which a homeless, single mother is forced to make the terrible choice to leave her two tiny children unsupervised in a hot car to go in for an interview for a desperately needed job because she had no one to look after her kids and is arrested and jailed. I don’t condone leaving tiny humans alone in a car in mid eighties weather to go for a job interview but I also believe strongly that there has to be a better way to intervene than to simply arrest and jail a mother in that awful, no win situation.

A local woman, moved by her plight has started a find raising campaign and has raised a nice amount of money ho help the homeless mom and her kids. This is a beautiful and heartwarming gesture. I hope that between the funds and hopefully the job she will soon find, the mom will get back on her feet and she and her kids will never find themselves in such a sticky situation. My heart goes out to her and to the thousands and thousands of single and often homeless parents who have to make difficult and often less than optimal decisions just to get through the day. They are often pushed to do things that they otherwise wouldn’t, just to survive.

And to the self righteous assholes who left mean and judgmental comments on the fundraising site, stating that she is nothing but a low life law breaker and doesn’t deserve to be rewarded for doing illegal things and putting her kids at risk, fuck you. Until you have to live her life, walk in her shoes, make her hard choices, FUCK YOU! 

I need another cup of coffee and to throat punch some holier then thou assholes.

Sliders, the Bane of My Existence

Fucking sliders, anyway.

Chips. Nits and ice cream. Go down so easily, slide right past my band without triggering it, (thus the name, “slider”) and fuck me up. I am holding steady. At least I’m not gaining weight but still… Eating like an asshole is not why I went under the knife. So, I am working on getting my idiotic slider habit under control and behaving myself, again. 

Pffft! You assholes who think that WLS is the easy way out. I’d like you to be in my fucked up head, facing ice cream and a perfectly balanced Lap Band. The ice cream can and will win. WLS can only do so much, I still have to do the work. I still have to stay out of the freezer, I still have to not eat the ice cream. 

It is cold, the wind is blowing. Why? It is colder, today than it was in January. We never did really get a Winter, by the way. Not that I am complaining, especially seeing that people in some parts of the country are still getting snow? Yeah, I am not bitching about the lack of a Winter, here. But we usually get cold, some snow and rain but this year, nope. But it is chilly and windy, today. Supposed to warm on up, tomorrow and into next week. 

I am scheduled for an aftercare appointment on the seventh. Yay! A trip to the Valley! I get to get out of Prescott, the armpit hell of Arizona. I seriously hate it here. If my husband could find a job elsewhere, we would so be out of here in a heartbeat. But, in this economy, this job market, a steady job, with good benefits is nothing to just set aside thoughtlessly so here we stay and at his job my husband remains. I’d love to live in the Phoenix area or another big city. Smaller town life sucks ass. I hate small towns. Rural living is for the birds. I was born to live in the city and I would love to get back there, one day. 

I bought press packs and pans. I have silicone and alcohol. I still need to buy Z-Palettes. My loose mineral eye shadows and blushes are about to get pressed. I am over the little jars of dust. They were fun and wonderful for a long time but I am done. I am not using them in their present form. They are sitting, unused, unloved and that is a shame because they are gorgeous and they cost me a lot of money, back when I bought them. I figure that pressed and in palettes, they will be easier to get to and use and I will actually reach for them and dip my brushes into them and apply them to my face, more often. 

Those people with that damned tobacco survey won’t stahp! I guess that my husband is going to go ahead and participate. Persistent. Pushy. They must get paid by the survey. 😛


What the Fuck, WordPress?

Where is my link button? Why can’t I insert links into my posts? Do I have to pay for that privilege? Is this some kind of sick money making scam? Am I just too stupid to see what is right in front of me? I click the link button but it is faint and it doesn’t work and I am frustrated and can’t figure it out. And while I am no tech goddess, I can usually figure simple shit out after a while. I have taught myself everything I have learned how to do on a computer. While it is hardly stellar, I get around. And I did it all on my own. So What the fuck, WordPress? 

Mornings Are for Gushy Food

As soon as I open my eyes, my cat is aware of that fact, knows that I have regained consciousness and has decided that, since it’s been a few minutes since he last snacked on the crunchies always available in his food dish he is starving to death and he needs his gushy food. NOW!!!! Poor baby. Starving too death. Bad, bad, evil Mama, makes him wait while she takes her morning stuffs, gets her coffee on and runs in to pee. Oh! the horror of it! The whole time, he is running back and forth, dogging my steps, rubbing on my legs, kissing ass, purring and meowing at a volume that would convince anyone that that he hadn’t been fed in a week. Then the moment the little turd gets the good stuff, that’s it. He doesn’t want to know. He is done until he wants something else. Typical cat.

How the fuck does a jumbo jet just “disappear?” In this day and age, with the technology we have available, satellites, radar, cell phones… All of the nattering about everything they have tried I haven’t heard anything about trying to contact or ping the cell phones of the passengers on board. Surely they have tried???? Please, tell me that I am not the only person that has thought of this? I’m sure I’m not. Still… A triple seven doesn’t just “disappear.” There is no pinging from the black boxes? No contact from the passengers, if the plane was landed, somewhere… Anywhere? Nope. Where is that plane? Did it crash? Is it deep in the ocean? Deep in a jungle? Did it land in a remote country and the people on board are being held, somewhere? It’s crazy and weird.

Had my hair done the other day. My roots were out of control! They get that way. Yeah, my hair is having a chemical romance with peroxide and dye. I had a few more layers cut around my face, too. I recently (just a few weeks ago) had my long hair cut to just below my shoulders. The shedding from my surgery in November, the resulting weight loss is fucking insane. I am losing hair in hanks.

When I was in prep for my surgery my hair was almost long enough for me to sit on. I knew that post surgery my hair was going to take a huge hit, shed like a sonofabitch and it was going to be rough so I started the dealing with it process by first doing a long psych myself up for it, then I had my stylist cut my hair to just above my bra strap. That was last September. It was still long, by most peoples standards, tho it felt pretty short to me, who was in to wearing her hair long. I let it grow from there and it was just about to my waist but it was shedding so terribly that the hair balls, especially on wash days, were the size of shower pouffs. Dealing with the huge shedding and the long hair was too depressing. As sad as I was to cut off my long hair, I couldn’t hack (if you will pardon the pun) the huge hairballs any longer. They were fucking bumming me out!

I accepted the fact that for the immediate future, anyway, I m going to be a shorter haired girl. It’s okay. I knew, going in to this that the likelihood that this would happen was high and I have been preparing myself for it. I knew that as I lose weight, I would lose hair. I am going to lose more for a while. It’s a good thing I have really thick hair because if I didn’t, I’d be half bald, by now! No joke. I have some thinning along my hairline, at my crown… my overall volume is down dramatically. I still have some hair. For now… I know that it won’t all fall out. I just hope that it won’t thin to the point that vast areas of scalp become visible.

Look, I am not trashing on anyone who looses their hair to medical treatments, such as chemotherapy. I feel for them. My cousin is fighting breast cancer for the second time around and has lost all of her hair, again. She had such beautiful hair. The women in our family are genetically blessed that way… But for me, since that is not the case, I am allowing myself vain whining. And yes, it is in the face of awareness that others are suffering much worse and no I don’t need lectures that others are suffering much worse. I get the others who are suffering much worse. I lost my mother to cancer last November so yeah, save your self righteous bullshit for someone else. I don’t need it and I don’t want it.

Okay, Erika, dial it down.

I was late for my appointment, the other day. I have become one of those people… Run late. I used to be that annoying person who is always so prompt, checking her watch, worried she will be late, is early. Now, I think I have bags of time so I take my time, fritter around, doinkity-doink and next thing you know… I’m late. But hey,


Am I right?

It’s nice to have fresh, bright roots. We talked about changing up my look a little with lowlights and deeper roots, then blowing my overall colour lighter, cooler, kind of a “bitch blonde” look. I was all about it but right now, with my shedding and thinning, I think that dark hair close to my scalp is a bad idea. I have a very light scalp and the contrast will only serve to emphasize the thinning even more. So, for now we are keeping my light all over look. She did my roots then mixed in some toner and pulled colour through to my ends, which she hadn’t done in a while and refreshed my hair all over and it looks good. I’ll do bitch blonde when the thinning stops and my thickness starts to recover.

I think I’ll link my Instagram to this blog, just for the fun of it. See how it works.

Playing With the Appearance a Bit

How the fuck do I change the font of my blog title? Cause I gotta tell ya… I hate the current font. So much to figure out. I think I like the header I put up. 



Yay! inserting photos works. And yeah… I feel that way. Migraines suck. So hard. 

Okay, so I know how to put in photos. Does this platform support GIFs? Let’s see…


Yep. I love this GIF. Helen Mirren twerking at the Hasty Pudding awards at Harvard. I love Helen Mirren and Yeah. How hilarious is this? 

Oh, one may ask if the memes in my header are exaggerations. Nope. I am a lousy cook. The lousiest. And I am damned proud of it. I am a good homekeeper, I like a neat, tidy, clean house and my husband helps, I am nobody’s maid. And yes, I would resent the fuck out of receiving a vacuum as a gift. Vacuums are household maintenance. Not presents. 

Let’s see about links…

Uh… What the fuck??? Why is my link button not working? I can’t make/post links in WordPress? What the hell good is a blog if I can’t post links? 

Must investigate. 

This sucks. 



Living La Vida Lap Band

Everyone thinks that once you have weight loss surgery it is smooth sailing. That the weight just flies off and that you don’t have to work for it, it is easy, fun and effortless. That weight loss surgery or, as it is commonly referred to as, WLS, is an easy way out, a cop out, a magic bullet, a cure for what ails a fat person. 


Weight loss surgery, whichever procedure a person chooses is a tool, nothing more. If a person has WLS and doesn’t work the program, isn’t compliant with the eating parameters and doesn’t get some exercise, they aren’t going to be successful. there are ways to “eat around” WLS and either not lose weight or even gain weight back. We hear stories all the time of people who are either unsuccessful in their weight loss efforts or they gain it all back, years later.

Newsflash. WLS isn’t an easy way out. It isn’t a cop out. It isn’t cure for obesity and it isn’t a magic bullet. Weight loss surgery is a tool. Full stop. It will help you. If you are willing to work with it. It won’t “make you skinny.” If you are looking into WLS to “make you skinny” without working the program, go fly a kite. If you can run. Bitchy? Yep. Don’t ask me to sugar coat bullshit and feed it to you. If that is what you are looking for, fuck off. This is my blog, not your happy, fluffy bunny land. 

I have a 10 cc AP Lap Band with 5 1/2 cc of fluid on board. I am , for the most part compliant with the eating rules and I am losing weight. Please note that I said “compliant” not perfect. I am human. Very, very human. And you don’t get to 378 pounds by having “perfect” eating patterns. I will never have “perfect” eating patterns. My past history tells me this. My Lap Band is a tool that aids me in being compliant with having better, healthier eating patterns. Not “perfect.” better, healthier. Good. I am not in this for perfect. I am a perfectionist, it is in my nature and I battle it all of the time but that is not with this is about. This is about saving my life and getting me to a healthy, normal weight. Whatever that looks like, for me. 

How much weight have I lost? 49 pounds, so far. Not stellar. I get that. it could be more. I am not exercising as much as I could. I am a lazy slag and I know it. I need to get more exercise. I need to get these fucking hemorrhoids dealt with so I can exercise with more comfort. Fucking pre op diet, anyway. That is what started this whole business. Bleargh! I have a prescription topical that helps but I need to have a procedure to kill them. Not looking forward to it. 

Yeah. I really wanted to talk about my ass on the Internet. 

Well, that was a buzzkill. I’ll talk more about more, later,